Sathepine/Stephanie

SATHEPINE is just STEPHANIE rearranged: still me, but not quite me.

I share in this site a glimpse of my thoughts and moments, not fully revealing who I am, yet not pretending to be someone else either.

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Battlefield Thoughts

When I look into your blood-thirsty eyes,
I can see that you are lonely.

You swing your blade with pride,
but still I see that all you want is to go back home.

To go back to your wife and children.

To tell them about your bravery
- a happy story at bedtime.

To kiss them goodnight and look at them sleeping peacefully
forgetting that fearful dream of your bloody death
that used to haunt them while you were gone.

You see, I have the same feeling.

But as you might see your family again,
mine will live on without me.

My wounds are fatal.

The funny thing is,
the blood from my wounds
is the blood that drips from your blade.

An Atheistic Video About “God’s Divine Plan”

Last week, I stumbled on this video and I really admired the way it was presented. I’m technically agnostic, almost atheist, so it didn’t really change my religious views in some way. But I can imagine how it could shake others’. I showed it to my boyfriend, who’s Christian, and it really got him thinking.

Here’s my take on the video:

The point of the video is that if God exists and had a “Divine Plan”, then it would be “to remain invisible”. The many debates about him, the Bible, Christ’s existence and nature, and his lack of tangible presence at times when he’s needed the most, would have been part of such a plan. Now, if God exists and have such a plan, then wouldn’t it be almost equivalent to him not existing at all?

If God existed, I believe him to be a being who is fair, not by humans’ standard of fairness, but by nature’s – or the universe’s – standard of fairness. It’s only the priests who demand their religion’s followers to praise God, because God does not require humans to praise him, in order for him to give them so-called graces and blessings. We are rewarded and punished not by God, but by the consequences of our actions.

Chasing Illusions

You smile at me as if I’m dear
And look at me with caring eyes
And even when you’re mean to me
It’s just affection in disguise
I want to reach, I want to grasp
Those sweet illusions I could have of you
But my mind denies because it knows
That they can’t possibly be true

The childish way you call me names
And pat my head so playfully
Is how you claim that I am yours
And show that you belong to me
But then with such obvious lies
Of made-up illusions I want of you
My mind cannot allow such dreams
I must endure only what’s true

We have been close for quite a while
And they say time makes feelings grow
And you fell hard for me but you’re
Somehow afraid to let me know
For just a moment, if I could have
That silly illusion to think of you
But my mind won’t let me play
I’m bound to suffer for what is true

All I have is reality’s pain
I can’t even take a break
As I begin with happy thoughts
My mind tells me it’s a mistake
For even just a glimpse of those
Illusions I want to make of you
My mind is quick to disapprove
Unless you declare them to be true

And when you smile as if I’m dear
And look at me with caring eyes
I’m told not to be misled
Cause you’re a devil in disguise
And the only way that I could grasp
The illusions that I need of you
Is if you fool my mind with words
And tell me that you love me too

Mid-year Recap

Okay, here’s my mid-year recap:

My uncle is getting married this year in August. Everyone (my relatives, including those from outside the country) is excited about it. The wedding motif is somewhere along the lines of “chocolate brown” and/or “candy pink”. Ahem. I’m not and didn’t want to be in the entourage, but both my girly sisters are (they’re excited). The wedding will be taking place in Davao but I’m not sure if I can go (even though I already got a ticket).

We placed in the top 5 of this year’s SWQC Convention. Congrats to us! I definitely did not expect it. When I presented our SWQC report, I was busy with an important release and I forgot to wear formal attire ^_^; Incidentally, when we were called to accept the award, I was a bit disoriented because at that time, I had to deal with another important release (there were several problems and I think we had to release later than expected) and when I got to the front to accept the award, I realized I was wearing (again) not-so-appropriate attire (hanging tee – shows a bit of my abs – this is actually violation of dress code). So much for being a good project leader =/

The hunters have grown in numbers! There’s already a lot of us playing Monster Hunter 2ndG. Mier and I also got temporarily hooked to other games such as Phantasy Star (I don’t recommend it) and Dynasty Warriors: Strikeforce (this is a cool one). And of course, Mier and some of our friends never ceased battling each other with Tekken 5. But our games are not only limited to PSP. We also played Guitar Hero on Wii, Mier plays PC games, the others play online MMORPG games like WoW (I stopped playing this one, dunno if I should start again considering there’s a new release: Wrath of the Lich King).

I bought my sister and myself ASUS EEE 1000HE netbooks. I was planning on getting a notebook, but the netbook looked so cute and handy, and it was very much cheaper. The specifications weren’t bad at all, either.

Speaking of my sister, she told me some really big news. It’s both good and bad for her. For me, I’m kinda excited :)

I got upgraded to Senior Engineer. It was a surprise. I did not know I was recommended (my superiors didn’t tell me I think because they weren’t sure that the recommendation would be approved).

Ele and I intended to go to Singapore but we ended up spending our vacation time in Manila instead because of a problem with my passport. However, we will push through with Singapore later this year (and this time, I’ll be spending for Ele’s tickets. Tsk tsk).

I’m getting suspended for a total of 9 days due to tardiness violations. Boss decided that I should be serving them all in August. So, counting the working days of August, I think I’ll be spending only around 9 days in the office for the whole of August ^_^; I definitely will try my best not to be tardy ever again!

I’m sick. I was sick early last week and now I’m sick again. Recently, I’m very sickly. Got fever last night and tonight I have a slight one. Dammit.

If I Could

If I could whisper tender words
into your ear and see you smile
Or rest my head on your shoulder
to relax for just a while
Or put my arms around you
when I sense you’re feeling low
If I could, I’d do these things
without fearing you’d say no

If I could hear your thoughts and understand
why you see your life that way
Or know your feelings when they don’t match
the words you prefer to say
Or make you speak your mind so honestly
the same way that I do
If I could, I’d do these things
to understand the truth of you

If I could blind your eyes from seeing
all the flaws you see in me
Or trick your ears to hear my words
in some sweet melody
Or make you see that I am trying
to be better than I am
If I could, I’d do these things
but would you even give a damn?

If I could say I love you
without having to see you frown
If I could say I miss you
every time you’re not around
If I could, I’d make you love me
make you see that this is good
If I could, I’d do these things
if I could, I would.

Wyverns in the Mountains

My weapon’s on the ready though my armor’s low on skills
My Felyne’s all excited – we wanna get a lot of kills
We got to Area 1, and there’s a Tigrex on the loose
I don’t want to fight the Tigrex, I just want some Thunderbug Juice!

My Felyne started slashing but I ran up to Area 2
Climbed the vine and grabbed some Ivy, and drank some Hot Drink too
I checked the Area 3 but then the Khezu’s in the cave
I wanna get Blue Mushrooms there but the Khezu won’t behave

I left the Khezu there and went directly to Area 4
I got myself some Honey and a piece of Iron Ore
I talked to Veggie Elder but his items weren’t superb
But then I gave him Garbage and he gave me Mountain Herb!

My Great Sword slashed the Giapreys in Area 5 so easily
But Area 6 was such a shock when the Kirin jumped right at me
The beast hopped frantically here and there and I was in so much pain
I swear that silver unicorn is mentally insane!

I managed to find my way to Area 7 with a run
But Kushala Daora was waiting there, it wasn’t so much fun
To make it worse my Felyne decided to start his gathering
While there I was with poor attempt to hack at Daora’s wing

I managed to avoid the icy winds that Daora threw
But I just can’t get near enough no matter what I do
With not a single slash, I don’t think I can defeat
And I remembered that I’m only here for some Raw Meat

I left the Elder Dragon and decided to go to Area 8
And there they were, the Popos, which were cute but doomed by fate
I killed them, got some Raw Meat, and some Popo Tongues as well
While my Felyne stood by waiting, he’s finished gathering, I can tell

I’ve farmed enough Raw Meat and it’s time to go back to base
But then Kushala Daora came in an icy breezy haze
I ran to the other side but the Tigrex came charging in
I blocked him with my Great Sword but I was stunned by some blue lightning

I couldn’t tell from where it came — was it Kirin or was it Khezu?
For in fact, both of them were there, even the Giadrome too
To save myself from the five of them, I crawled into the hole
And from there I climbed to the top, the place where there’s a pole

I checked below to see if maybe some of them have died
Those crazy monsters could kill each other since the area wasn’t wide
But to my surprise I saw that they were having some conference
And then I realized that this wasn’t making that much sense

For one thing, there wasn’t such a quest where five of them were in
And for goodness’ sake, I only planned on gathering
And when I started to use Farcaster, I thought this dream has got to stop
And with a shriek of the alarm clock, I finally woke up

*Inspired by the game Monster Hunter Portable 2ndG.

Reflections of 2008

I guess I survived 2008, but not without scars. It seemed like a long year, part of which was spent in a country I respect but do not want to live and work in, and losing the company of good friends to a small nation of greener pastures.

I was also transferred to a new project group, with new superiors and new subordinates, a team different from the small one I’ve been used to – and very much fond of – for almost four years. It was a refreshing change because of the learning experience I gained, and a curious one too because incidentally, my groupmates now are currently all male, most of them from my old alma mater (I didn’t realize there were so many UPians in NEC and they seem to know me).

Another 2008 feature of, well, me, was that I started wearing glasses later that year. Yes, my eyesight is damaged! Some people say I look good in it, and I do hope I look smart in it, hehehe, but that doesn’t change the fact that my eyesight is damaged :( I am getting the hang of it, though. My lenses are pretty cool – I bought the ones that tint up when the sun’s too bright. My little sister was pretty amazed when she witnessed it happening once.

Emotionally, I spent the year questioning myself, hating myself, telling myself I’m not as worthless as I felt. The knowledge that my closest friend dislike me and had no respect for me, yet I had no one else to run to, made me feel so insignificant. It didn’t help at all that another friend of mine, someone I thought I could talk to and depend on, despite our rare encounters, felt that I’m a curse to his life because of his affections for me. It was a deep cut I didn’t expect, especially not from him. If he was heartbroken or something like that, why could he not deal with it normally? Was I really that horrible that I have to be “removed from his life”? I was hardly even in his life – we meet or talk, like, once every three months, maybe even less! This definitely lowered my self-esteem.

There were other things I found lacking in myself, or that people found lacking in me, but I will not mention them here. I don’t claim to be perfect, but I did not realize that I was that imperfect. Those two people I mentioned are good people, they just didn’t need me, and that made me feel perfectly disposable. I could have gone defensive or optimistic but my low confidence in myself prevented me from really feeling it. I couldn’t help feeling useless, even though I try to be more positive.

Aside from those hurtful times, there were also interesting times in 2008, of course. To begin with, I started the year in Osaka, Japan, with Ilene and Cher. It was winter break and we toured Osaka, Kobe, Kyoto, Nara, and went to Kaiyukan aquarium/museum and USJ theme park, before Ilene and I went back to Tokyo where we stayed for our training.

I was glad to have spent my training in Japan with Warren, Breinn, Jepoy, and Ilene. Jepoy was the loner type so we tried not to bother him too much. Breinn was always fun to be around with. Warren was the one I was closest to – he was like my best friend there – though at times when I got depressed, he seemed to be more discouraging than encouraging. But who I was really glad to be with was Ilene. Before our training in Japan, I was already friends with Warren, Breinn, and Jepoy, and Ilene was just, to me, the chinese girl who was Tonet’s groupmate. She was so bubbly and cheerful and adventurous, totally opposite me – dark and depressed. I didn’t think we’d get along so well, and it was always refreshing to be around her. (My chinese girl friends are so cute, their looks and personalities. Tonet is so cute and Tiffy is so cute and Ilene is so cute and Lenlen is so cute and Jenni is so cute ^_^ That’s more than I can say about my chinese guy friends :P Like Warren, he is only cute when he’s asleep and not talking.)

When I came back to Cebu, I was transfered to a new team. I was very glad that Gly became my new superior because he has a calm and relaxed air about him, in contrast to my uptight personality. Honestly, I tend to get pressured easily, though I try not to let it get to me. My members eventually reached ten, after a few additions and resignations. Currently, they’re all guys, a big difference from my past group where I was lucky enough to handle three diligent adorable girls Ivy, Len, and Jenni (and answer to a smart but whacky boss named Angelito – don’t be fooled by the name, he is not angelic at all :P).

However, I am also fond of my groupmates now, namely RyeCops, Dave, Banban, PJ, Owen, Joseph, Dominic, Rei, Noie, and Soc. They’re cool to hang around with, and as I’m not new to boytalk, I don’t get uncomfortable or left-out with their topics of discussions. Sometimes, I think I know more about the topics than some of them. I’m not innocent or ignorant anymore, thanks to my other guy friends and their boytalks in the past (I seem to be more exposed to guys than necessary). Oh and before you ask, I will not, by any means, define what I meant by “boytalk”.

Project-wise, it always seemed to be a struggle, as there seemed to be no end to tight development schedules. Well maybe, we’re getting the hang of it, maybe. Unfortunately, I’m not that good in uplifting team spirit, even when I’m concerned for this little fraternity of a team. I’m not even that good in uplifting my own spirit – and I still have to learn to take better care of my health, too. Also, I missed Dustine, my smart and skilled close friend since college, who used to be in this team, but was transfered to a new one. We still spend coffee breaks together, though.

Speaking of coffee breaks, I used to spend them with Tonet and Mier. But sadly, Tonet left for Singapore, and I really missed her. A lot of things changed when she left. No more lunch outs and dinner outs with Kiatch… Kiatch just seemed to disintegrate. Well, there were still occasional get-togethers – I guess Kiatch probably won’t disintegrate – but it’s not as frequent anymore. And of course, no more coffee breaks with Tonet :-(

After she left, I spent coffee breaks and lunch breaks with Mier, but it just didn’t seem healthy (I will not explain further) and that eventually stopped.

Another part of 2008 were spent having Monster Hunter sessions at Bo’s with Mier, Cris, Cyril, Jay, and James, and our PSP’s. We always try to secure the spot nearest the electric sockets in case our consoles run low on battery. Jenni also played with us sometimes, influenced by Cyril, no doubt ;-)

Then Cris left for Singapore as well and I missed him too. You know, he was the first Kiatch I got close to, back during our training days in 2004.

Around that same time, everyone eventually ceased playing Monster Hunter. They had gotten so good at it already. For a while, Mier and I still played together on our own time but that eventually stopped. Besides, I’ve been spending too much time with my PSP and I really missed watching anime and reading manga.

I guess I watched and read too much that I started having dreams of mecha, murder, and dark supernatural beings, which I’m sure were influenced by mecha animes like: Code Geass, Macross Frontier, Gundam 00, Gurren Lagann, Blassreiter; and dark animes and mangas like: Claymore, Full Metal Alchemist, Vampire Knight, Blade of the Immortal, Boogiepop Phantom, Kurozuka, Blassreiter; To balance things, I decided to stop watching some of them, and decided to go for comedy and light romance animes like Nodame Cantabile, Fruits Basket, Special A, Itazura na Kiss, Skip Beat. But the lure of the dark still seemed strong :P

I went to Japan again for three months, but this time, I stayed in a different and much modern office building in Kawasaki, nearer to Yokohama than Tokyo proper. It was summer now (last time, it was winter) and I liked it that way (I didn’t like winter that much). I stayed in a small apartment with all the necessary utilities like washing machine, stove, refrigerator, air conditioner, microwave oven, vacuum cleaner. I got to cook and clean on my own – it was kind of like independent living. Though “cook” is a misleading term because I mostly fried eggs and, sometimes, bacon, and most of the time, I bought take-out at McDonald’s or ate at Matsuya. It was a convenient place – near the train station, two 24-hour grocery stores, inexpensive restaurants (like McDonalds, Matsuya, Yoshinoya), some coffee shops, etc.

During my stay there, I was able to spend off-work activities like a dinner, a billiards and darts hangout, and a beach outing with some of my Japanese superiors and officemates. I also got to spend some time with Lex and Francois, who were friends of mine that had been working in Japan for a while. We went to Tokyo Tower and Yokohama Sea Paradise with other friends. Ken and I also planned to meet too during summer break but I had decided to work during that time (yeah, instead of a vacation I opted for work, tsk) so our meeting didn’t happen. Tonet also went to Japan for a short time and we got to spend some time together there.

My companions during my stay there were Banban – who stayed for a month – and Boss, my former supervisor named Lito (short for Angelito), who I still call “Boss”. It was fun having Banban around because he was a first timer and was very much in awe of Japan.

When Banban went back to Cebu, only Boss and I were left. I felt pretty much normal, but the normal me, at that time, was a depressed me, and that’s probably what Boss picked up on. He was very much concerned with my depression and he also kept tabs on me to check if I was eating right (which I normally wasn’t). One or some of the Japanese in the office were also concerned and it didn’t help that I was always wearing black (which I normally do. I wear black everyday – it’s my comfort zone, okay?).

The thing about my depression is that I tend to want to give other people costly gifts. I bought lots of cool stuff in Japan as pasalubong for my friends and family, including a remote control helicopter toy, some bug-like crawling cute robot toys, some beautiful colored transparent 3D jigsaw puzzles, etc. (And I got a Wii for the house too.) The best ones were for my sisters – a pink Canon IXY camera for Meti (one year younger), and a pink iPod for Maimai (ten years younger). I love them both even though they are so different from me (they’re similar to Ilene, actually), and sometimes, I like to spoil them, even if it means I have to touch pink objects. I don’t get why they like pink so much but I guess it’s inscribed in every girl’s DNA. I think I used to like pink before too, but I guess I evolved… or devolved.

December was the month I was depressed the most. There was absolutely zero per cent Christmas Spirit in me, though I usually have low percentage of Christmas Spirit every Christmas, but not zero. But I did not want to be cynical about a season just because other people enjoy it. I have spent Christmas in Japan and it was really far from the Christmas here in Cebu/Philippines. Christmas there was just superficial and it ends the day after (there’s work on December 25). Here, the Christmas Spirit can be felt from September up to January. It’s kinda stupid actually, but that’s just me. Anyway, because I was utterly depressed in December, and I wanted to compensate for that, I ended up getting my friends, especially my batchmates, groupmates, and of course, my family, gifts that were… well, not cheap. Like I said – the thing about my depression is that I tend to want to give other people costly gifts.

(Side note: I got Dustine a big box of Lego for Christmas because he said before that when he was a kid, he really wanted one but never had one and I had told him then that my sister and I played with Legos a lot when we were children. I remembered that conversation when I was looking for something to give him and it was kind of like a joke gift, actually, thinking that it would be useless to him now. But he said he had a lot of fun with it because he and his brother – who’s also grown up, by the way – played with it over Christmas break. Maybe he still really wanted it, like a childhood dream, or something. Wow, maybe I succeeded where Santa failed! LOL)

So it seemed I was pretty much careless with my money (don’t worry, I’ve got some left). But, the good thing about 2008 is that that was the year I started to invest. I’m not sure now if it was a good year to invest because of the condition of the US financial market later that year, but at least, for once, I actually did something for my future.

All in all, 2008 was somewhat bittersweet and I don’t really expect significant changes from me or life in general for 2009. However, I do have new year’s resolutions, mostly to get back something I lacked in 2008. My resolution is this: to complete at least one story and one poem this year. I used to love writing stories and poems all the time, but I never wrote a single good one in 2008. So for 2009, I want to get back on track on my literary hobby.

Reading back this long entry about how my 2008 has been made me pause and wonder… Would I do the same thing when 2009 ends? :P

Rare Shot

mier smiling at me

It’s really rare for me to catch him like this in a snapshot. So I’m glad :)

The Difference

You are totally different from him.
You’re not an arrogant bastard who acts like he’s superior to everyone else.
And you’re not condescending about your opinions, actually you’re not opinionated at all.
And you’re not uptight or too serious about things.. and you’re generally open-minded.
And you’re not judgmental about things that don’t fit your standards.
Waaah! I’m beginning to miss you :(

I’m the one who’s like him (serious, uptight, and opinionated).
That’s why we clash. Plus our opinions clash (since back then).
He’s too idealistic and I’m too realistic. He’s too emotional and I’m too logical.
Hehe now I guess I’m the emotional one and you’re the logical one?

He has too many issues with himself.
Even things that aren’t issues he makes issues out of them.
And I’m the same.
I realize this because this is what you keep saying to me (that I tend to make problems out of nothing).
I guess that’s probably why we were attracted to each other before.

But I “graduated” from him already. I leveled-up.
Even though I’m still the same person, I’m not looking for someone like him anymore.
I needed someone who can provide balance (this was probably why I was so attracted to you).
Not someone who drives me further into inner depths of self-overanalysis.

Actually, he said he learned a lot from me.
And that I was right about many things but it took him a while to realize them.
But when I say a single thing that’s not agreeable with him, he antagonizes me as if I’m attacking him.
I don’t get it, he’s so self-contradicting.
I see myself in him and I’m ashamed.
I don’t want to be like him at all.
He just seems so pathetic.
And so do I :(

How we were (or still are?)

I don’t think this can offset the hatred combined in the two previous blogs but at least it’s an attempt.

So yeah, I’m in love with you, and it’s something I’m used to by now. You’re used to it too, I guess, even though I don’t really express it that much anymore.

I watched this anime which had a story similar to how we were (or still are?) hehe and I got hooked to it because of certain funny things that reminded me of before (or until now?). It has a Taiwanese drama version. I’m not fond of love stories so I found some parts dragging. But I also got hooked to that drama because of some funny things that reminded me of us before. So I was entertained by both anime and drama (but they wouldn’t be my favorites).

Remember when I was a bit expressive with my feelings for you before, and you would disapprove and call me “idiot” or “silly”, and you would be very annoyed with me sometimes? And I can’t really get over you, or you can’t really get away from me, because certain circumstances require us to be together (like we have the same circle of friends)? It’s that kind of story that’s in the anime/drama and it’s really funny but it gets stupid from time to time.

Juvy told me to watch it before because she said the girl is like me daw. But the title was “It Started With A Kiss” and my personal reaction was.. Ha? I started a kiss?? I only watched the first episode at that time and didn’t see what was so similar about me and the girl (and by the way, nobody kissed or started one). When Ele suggested the anime to me (“Itazura na Kiss”, meaning “teasing kiss”, a much better title for the story, by the way), and I watched it (without really expecting anything except another shoujo anime), I went like “hala!” and I remembered Juvy and watched the drama she told me to watch. The girl may be like me in little ways, but the guy had more similarities with you than the girl had with me hahaha (I don’t know if Juvy knows this). Anyway, I don’t really like the idea that me or my life is being associated to an anime or drama, but I admit there were some minor similarities to the story. Well, the humor was entertaining for me so it wasn’t a complete waste of time watching it.

Oh, I wrote another blog about it here.

Of course, they had happy endings. We probably won’t. The passion I used to have for you is now gone, replaced by something like mere familiarity since we’re always around each other anyway (though not now because I’m here and you’re there). We’ve known each other for four years, around two years of which we’ve been pretty close, and maybe we’ll be getting closer too since our dear friends are leaving us T_T And the feeling that I have you now, despite how limited that “have” is, seem to close the deal already. It’s probably the best I could get since there’s nothing more from you I can expect. And somehow, I would advise you not to expect much from me either. Not that you would, but I pretty much reached the border and the excitement’s finally over. It seems I have caught your “life virus” somehow tsk tsk.

What we had before was obviously different from now. And I could see now that you really made an effort to change, especially in how you treat me, and I changed as well, now being less dramatic than I used to be, and less expressive too. At first it was because I wanted less of your disapproval, but now it’s more like… I just don’t feel like it… or I don’t feel it. I don’t know anymore if I want to be around you because I love you, or because I’m so used to you that it feels different when you’re not around. Either way, I want to be around you. I’m attached. And you are too. But don’t worry, we both know it’s the detachable kind of attachment… right? Well, we’ve been apart for three months and I haven’t felt like I significantly missed you. I also haven’t felt the kind of defensive numbness I felt before during the last time we were apart. I don’t know if not missing you is a good thing or a bad thing for us. But I know for sure that I’ll be happy to see you again.

Hating You Too

(okay, this is for another person, different from the one in my previous post..)

You are so full of yourself and so bitter towards me (yeah, you deny the bitterness, but I’m feeling the vibe.. and you should really stop fooling yourself with your ideals and excuses). I wanted to keep the friendship but you keep treating me like I’m the enemy. So I give up, you win, so go do your experiment (yet another way of fooling yourself). If you hate me then say you hate me, don’t say things like you love me and you’re just hurt and you’re not bitter at all. Bullshit.

How long have you two been together? At least 3 years, I think. And our relationship lasted only half of that. And that was at least 3 years ago! And we rarely talk or meet! And you say you may still have some feelings for me due to a single chat session?? Don’t give me that crap. You’re only using me as an excuse to hide your real issues which you can’t accept. Like.. maybe you’re gay.

Gay? How the hell did I come up with that idea? I don’t know, I’m not thinking straight. It’s 5 am and I still haven’t slept, ended up blogging about hating two guys whom I used to respect… what have I turned into? Next, if I still can’t sleep, I will blog about love.

Speaking of which, I can’t believe I actually loved this kind of guy. But then again, I can’t believe he actually loved this kind of girl (me) either LOL. I’m sure he’s great in his own way. I don’t really hate him, I think. I hate the other guy more. He (this guy) has not done anything deeply psychological to me (maybe to himself, but not to me), but the other one… gRr… I hate myself because of him T_T (I will not expound on this, and this is already off-topic).

It’s a good thing none of the guys will be reading this blog hehehehehe *evil grin* because I don’t really want interaction with either of them, I just want to express some things.

Okay, I will talk about love next.