Your Wall

It’s okay to smile
And hide your broken heart
It’s okay to laugh
While you slowly fall apart
It’s okay to say
You’re used to things this way
As you watch them all
Behind your special wall
Protected

It’s okay to blink
While you watch them live their lives
It’s okay to sigh
While they go off in breathless rides
It’s okay to stand
Or lend a helping hand
As you watch them all
Behind your special wall
Protected

It’s okay to watch
Do nothing but watch
It’s okay to feel
Do nothing but feel
It’s okay to risk
But you just can’t allow yourself to risk
So you just watch them all
Behind your special wall
Protected

But it’s so okay to breathe
Those three dangerous words
And it’s okay to fight
For something that could break all your might
It’s damn okay to bleed
I am asking you to be freed
From simply just watching them all
From that thick impenetrable wall
Protected

Stop going around in circles
Stop repressing the piercing pain
Stop hiding behind that wall
Please fight and risk the fall
Live through it all
Unprotected

It’s okay to smile
After a broken heart
It’s okay to laugh
After you fall apart
It’s okay to say
You’ll make things go your way
As you watch the pieces fall
With the crumbling of your wall
Unprotected

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Will to be Whole

Oh you being of the heavens, I am praying
In the middle of the battlefield of my soul
I am crying, can you hear me?
Can you see me in pain?
Holding on to the will to be whole

I’m not asking for mercy or forgiveness
Or to help me out of the darkness I’m in
I’m not asking for strength
Or for some kind of courage
Not even to deliver me from sin

Here I’m standing proud like the sun
Hidden behind the gray clouds of rain
I am standing to show you
That despite all my tears
I am willing to endure all these pain

I don’t blame you for the fire that I’m treading
For the evil companions serving guide
Save me if you wish to
Yet I shall not praise you
But I’m grateful that you’re always by my side

Watch me, I shall show you I am worthy
Of the friendship you endlessly give
It might take a while
But someday I shall smile
Not afraid to continue to live

Oh my friend in the heavens, I am saying
I’m standing on the battlefield of my soul
While I’m crying and bleeding
While I’m drowning in my pain
I shall hold on to the will to be whole

Cold Blue Eyes

Don’t look at me
With those cold blue eyes
Don’t condemn me
With your stare
I wept right beside you
But you weren’t there
You weren’t there

I touched your skin
And I couldn’t feel your warmth
I touched your face
Your lips, your hair
You have been so selfish
You have been unfair
Life’s unfair

I can see nothing
In those cold blue eyes
Just my reflection
Looking back at me
Did you blame me
For the pain you felt?
Is that why you look at me that way?

I weep quietly
I feel so alone
Would you ever know
That I truly cared?
You tear me apart
Just by your stare
Just by your stare

Haunt me
Haunt me forever
With your cold blue lifeless eyes

Moment

Here I am
Thinking of you
Again.
Wondering how long
Till this ends
Waiting in pain
For you to realize
That I’m not the one
I’m just someone
Meant to be with you
For a moment of your life
And a moment of mine

Are you thinking of forever,
I wonder?
Are you thinking of a future
For us?
Are you thinking
“Will this last?”
While I ask
“Will it really?”
Damn, I love you dearly
But I’m going crazy
Because I know
That part of you
Belongs to her alone
And that part of you she owns
Is a part of you
That will always be drawn to her
Always come back to her
Always
Because she
Is a part of you
And I can’t compete with that

So here I am
Thinking of you
Again.
Wondering if I should say
How I’m feeling
What I’m feeling
Why I’m feeling this way
But you don’t need to know
What is happening to me
Either way, I’m alright
No matter how much I cry tonight
I’ll be fine
Because today
You are mine
But tomorrow
The sun doesn’t have to shine
I don’t mind at all
I’ve already built a special wall
Just to protect me
So you see
You don’t have to be
So worried over me
I know
You’d never want to hurt me so
As I know
Your feelings are not yours to control
It’s not your fault
If you end up knowing
You still love her after all
You may leave me anytime
I’ll be perfectly fine
Because for a moment
You were mine.

And so.
Here I am.
Thinking of you.
Again.

Cry With You

Everyone and everything
Swirls around me
Everyone and everything
Is all against me
My pain, my suffering
Is driving me crazy
My pain, my suffering…
Everything is hazy
…Blurred
I’ve lost the thought
Of a happy world
It was all about me
Me against the world
As everything around me
Merely swirled

And you
You and your bright smiles
You and your hope
You and your dreams
Of happily-ever-after things
Made me think
You must be crazy.

While I rebelled against the world
You were full of unfounded hope
While I stare daggers at the enemy
You gave them your brightest smiles
While I bleed to comfort me
…While I scream for my identity
…While I succumb to apathy
You sacrificed a gentle act of kindness
In the hopes that things will be alright
That the future will be bright
You gave everything
For a simple happy ending

But where are you now?
Where was the hopefulness of yesterday?
Things will always turn sour
And dreams will always stray
When your eyes are finally opened
To the harsh reality of today
You lose nothing
But your spirit

It hurts to know
That I will never be happy again
But it hurts so much more
To see the light in you
Disappear

I am alright
I can cope with the cruel truth
But you,
Who believed in happily-ever-after things
And the brightness the future brings
And the hope of fulfilled dreams
Cannot.

So where are you now?
Amidst the bitterness of your tears
where are your smiles?
Replaced by merciless fears
Where was your hope?
Gone with the wind
Truth has just sinned
Against you
And I cannot forgive it

Who is to protect you now?
From the brutal realizations
That things will never be okay

You cry
Because the world is unfair
You cry
For the truth you couldn’t bear
You cry
And from a distance
While I appear to be strong
While I act like nothing’s really wrong
I cry too
I cry with you.

I cry
Because the world has just sinned against you
And I cannot forgive it.

Sigh

Here I am
Frozen in time and space
Wondering what to do next
What’s right
What’s not
When all I end up doing
Is what I want
Even though I know
It would tear me apart

Here I am
Frozen in time and space
Listening to your voice
As you sing beside me
Who are you singing to?
No one but yourself?
still, at the back of my mind
I watch you
I listen to you
And feel my heart break
To the tune of your song

I’m trying my best
To take care of you
You’re so vulnerable
So fragile
But I wonder
If I embrace you
Will it change anything?

I go home and leave you
I am alone and I feel empty
And the radio plays
The song you sang
I can’t forget you
I don’t even try

You know
I’ll be here if you need me
And I’ll take care of you
Even if it breaks my heart

Falling

I stand still outside myself
Watching me watching you
And no one can see how much I bleed
But me

I reach out to myself
As I fall apart at the loss of you
But no one knows that I lost you
Not even you

I had to show you what I feel
And at the same time, keep my distance
For your sake

My feelings are secondary
And I watch myself set it all aside
Numb and empty
Hoping nothing
Wishing nothing
Doubting everything

In the dark,
Enveloped in pain
I smile
Just because I was right all along

I knew
Just by your smile
And the look in your eyes
That you belong to no one but her

Please
Let me turn away
Please
Let me let you go
Please
Tell me
You don’t need me anymore

But she’s gone
And you’ve got no one else but me
Or do you?

And your smile
And the look in your eyes
Tell me
That you need me

So I shall simply comply

While I watch myself break my heart in two