I did not choose to stop believing

I did not choose to stop believing
I did not choose to leave behind
The Faith that’s been deceiving
My quiet innocent Mind

I did not want to be so different
I did not want to cause a mess
But I can’t stop my mind from thinking
That I can’t believe in just a guess

If God is Truth then what is Truth?
Is it Inconsistency?
Should He be real just because
The Bible makes good Fantasy?

It’s not that I don’t want Him there
If He is, He’s been good to me
But just because you *feel* He’s there
Can’t mean you *must* claim Him to be

In my youth, if I could choose
I would have chosen The Fantasy
So I could belong with everyone
And they’d be very good to me

But now I find it somewhat strange
That I am the different one
In this nation of believers
Against Common Sense, Faith has won

I would not choose to stop believing
If it had been up to me
But if God exists, I’m glad He’s decided
That I don’t deserve The Fantasy

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Chasing Illusions

You smile at me as if I’m dear
And look at me with caring eyes
And even when you’re mean to me
It’s just affection in disguise
I want to reach, I want to grasp
Those sweet illusions I could have of you
But my mind denies because it knows
That they can’t possibly be true

The childish way you call me names
And pat my head so playfully
Is how you claim that I am yours
And show that you belong to me
But then with such obvious lies
Of made-up illusions I want of you
My mind cannot allow such dreams
I must endure only what’s true

We have been close for quite a while
And they say time makes feelings grow
And you fell hard for me but you’re
Somehow afraid to let me know
For just a moment, if I could have
That silly illusion to think of you
But my mind won’t let me play
I’m bound to suffer for what is true

All I have is reality’s pain
I can’t even take a break
As I begin with happy thoughts
My mind tells me it’s a mistake
For even just a glimpse of those
Illusions I want to make of you
My mind is quick to disapprove
Unless you declare them to be true

And when you smile as if I’m dear
And look at me with caring eyes
I’m told not to be misled
Cause you’re a devil in disguise
And the only way that I could grasp
The illusions that I need of you
Is if you fool my mind with words
And tell me that you love me too

If I Could

If I could whisper tender words
into your ear and see you smile
Or rest my head on your shoulder
to relax for just a while
Or put my arms around you
when I sense you’re feeling low
If I could, I’d do these things
without fearing you’d say no

If I could hear your thoughts and understand
why you see your life that way
Or know your feelings when they don’t match
the words you prefer to say
Or make you speak your mind so honestly
the same way that I do
If I could, I’d do these things
to understand the truth of you

If I could blind your eyes from seeing
all the flaws you see in me
Or trick your ears to hear my words
in some sweet melody
Or make you see that I am trying
to be better than I am
If I could, I’d do these things
but would you even give a damn?

If I could say I love you
without having to see you frown
If I could say I miss you
every time you’re not around
If I could, I’d make you love me
make you see that this is good
If I could, I’d do these things
if I could, I would.

Crime

I.
I weep
For I will
Always love you

Aware
That you kill
My soul

In your eyes
And your smile
I see demons

I stand weak
All the while
Never whole

II.
Must I
Go this far
To defeat you?

So you’ll see
That you are
Not a god

All the acts
You have made
I must punish

Watch me now
As my blade
Draws your blood

III.
Hush
Don’t you speak
Don’t say “Sorry”

That word
Makes you weak
Makes you lie

Your sins
Against me
Are forgiven now

As I
Finally
Say goodbye

IV.
Breathe
Your last breath
Is it painful?

Embrace
Certain death
With a smile

Believe
You are worthy
There is heaven

And if not
Don’t you worry
Hell’s your style

V.
And I weep
For I will
Always love you

It’s a burden
I can’t kill
Or ignore

And I am
Tainted of
This crime now

But I have
Learned to love
Myself more

Poisoned Lips

Poisoned lips

In fragrant breath

Glassy eyes

And frozen smiles

And marks

Of sudden death

Of feelings

And of blunt

Expressiveness

The soul

Is passionless

The heart’s

A bloody mess

The angry mind

Is crying out

Into the nothingness

Of selfish deeds

And selfish creeds

On poisoned lips

Craving trips

Of hushed exile

For kisses on

The demon’s smile

Buddy

There must be some kind of bond

Between the two of us

But I can’t tell what kind it is

I’m sure it isn’t trust

At times I’d think the world of you

At times I’d wish you hell

And you never really cared for me

Though at times you wish me well

And the more you are around me so

The more I become like you

And it’s pain enough that I feel just

As worthless as you do

You treat me like you would a toy

And at times I’d like it so

But the false attention only makes

My worthless feeling grow

You’ve driven me so many times

To countless tears before

I’ve always known you’re bad for me

Yet I’ve always wanted more

Soon it’s time for you to go

Soon I will be free

It’s time to break these harmful chains

That’s linking you and me

Demonic Angel

So your kiss is poison
Your touch is fire
Prey devoured
In cursed desire
But seek no victory
For no demon could
Defeat the angel
Who never would
Give up the breathless…
Senseless…
Spell
From the enchanting beauty of your hell

So your claws are sharp
Your grip is tight
But the angel won’t
Give up the fight
And demon, you
Cannot ignore
The angel’s wings
That wouldn’t soar
She wouldn’t leave…
Or believe…
She’s lost
Would you keep on fighting, or retract your claws?

So you couldn’t see
What she sees in you
Those moments when
You’re an angel too
Your kiss may be poison
Your touch may be fire
But the strength of your character
Can also inspire
So demon, stop…
Give up…
And take the fall
Demonic angel, you’re no demon at all.